A Christmas Story

A CHRISTMAS STORY:

Once upon a time along while ago in a land far from Southern
California there lived three wise men. Their names were Jon, Bill and
Tim.
Originally there were four but the fourth one, Judeas F Smith was too
busy playing with his keyboard thereby making his wiseness null and
void.
So it came to pass that Jon, Bill and Tim were thoroughly pissed off
with nothing to do at night having been banned from all the local
pub's in the area for either letchering, being drunk, fighting or
farting out loud, but not necessarily in that order.
Now Bill who could be classed as an up market version of Compo
Seminite [ Last of the Summer wine ] leant on his zimmer frame and
said " I'm pissed off" which proved he was a wise man as not
everybody realises that there are two peas in pissed.
"Lets do something exciting tonight". This caused a few moments
hesitation and silence as our hero's try to remember what exciting is.
The last exciting thing Jon can remember was putting pork scratchings
in the Rabbi's handbag. Jon's hobby was fishing and he never liked
the Rabbi because he considered the Rabbi had the best bait.
After a few more moments silence Tim realised that he hadn't done
anything exciting since Junior school when he stretched cling film
over the bog in the staff room toilet and hid outside to listen to
the headmasters version of rain on a galvanised iron roof.
In his present position of bouncer at Mothercare life seemed a little
dull.
" Lets go pick some women up" said Bill. "The last women you got
picked you up and that was only because she drove the crane at the
local foundry" said Jon.
"Lets follow that bright star in the sky". said Tim. "What are you
some kind of a pratt?" asked Bill. "Well we haven't anything better
to do". said Tim, which in a way summed up the whole of his life.
"Its pointing towards the desert, how do we get across then?"
"We'll hire some camels from that Dutch immigrant Hertz Van Rental".
So they all troop over to Hertz's place to hire three camels. "How
long will you be going across the desert?" asked Hertz. "Dunno said
Bill, maybe three, four days". "In that case your camels will want
watering up then". "What's that asked Tim? "Well you give the camels
a trough of water to drink and just as it's finishing you creep round
the back and squash it's bollocks with two house bricks, when it
gasps with the pain it swallows two more days water". said Hertz.
"What happens if it's a female camel? asked Jon. "Well unless it's
got a satisfied smirk on it's face forget the house bricks and use a
yard brush instead". answered Hertz.
So two tries later because Bill got his thumbs between the bricks
see's our intrepid hero's on there way with a slight detour to Oasis
Ben Wallmart for supplies.
Exit Tim carrying three bottles of Yousef Walker Red Label Whisky, 25
six packs of Tureg Lager and three bags of smoky bacon
crisps. "Bloody hell said Bill "what have you bought all those crisps
for?"

Anyway to continue with the story 'cause I'm getting a bit pissed off
typing with one finger, our hero's cross the desert and arrive at a
little Town called Bethlehem which was a bit like Pittsburg without
the grime.
Finding the one and only pub called "Two birds in the hand" because
as everyone knows, one in Kate Bush is worth two in the hand, our
travelers enter to enjoy a jar or seven.
"This place is bloody crowded tonight, what's going on?" asked Jon
who is always the last to know anything. Tim asked a passing barmaid
for an explanation but finds out that she's German and the only
German he knows is "Tits un floppen mit der hand un kranken" which
roughly translated means "Could you direct me to the cheapest brothel
please".
After further inquires are made it turns out that according to local
hearsay the local Messiah will be appearing. "Well he's not liable to
get much appearance money at this dump "said Bill. Thank God your an
atheist said Jon, "anyway I've got to go for a piss" and left by the
back door to look for the bog. Whilst he's gone Bill and Tim get a
couple of swift halfs in out of the kitty without Jon knowing and
start looking at the local talent. "My God some of these are rough"
said Tim "Yes and the women aren't much better, you need a dog
licence for some of these". said Bill.
Just then Jon comes running back in "Quick come and have a look
there's this bird dropping a kid out in the stable". "Piss off your
pulling my leg said Bill.
"No I'm not, straight up there's this bird dropping a kid in the
stable". said Jon. "If she has a misscarriage can I have the wheels
off it for my zimmer frame? said Bill.

So they all go out to the stable Jon in front, then Tim followed by
Bill because he'd stopped to finish everybody else's drink.
Jon and Tim walked into the stable to witness the birth followed by
Bill. As Bill walks in he steps on a rake which hits him straight
between the eyes. "Jesus Christ" he shouted sinking down onto one
knee with the pain.

"My that a nice name " said Mary "We were going to call him Art"



Any references to any persons living or dead is purely intentional.